Trump crashes out and calls for Jimmy Kimmel's head

Top Stories for April 28:

VIDEO OF THE DAY: Trump SNAPS, goes for jugular against Jimmy Kimmel over Melania joke
America’s vainglorious AI sloplord is seriously butt-hurt over yet another Jimmy Kimmel joke and is DEMANDING that his sycophants over at CBS fire the late-night talk show host immediately

Kimmel’s “crime?” Joking that Melania Trump has the glow of “an expectant widow.” Which, to be honest, is the kind of zinger that writes itself when someone marries an obese serial adulterer 25 years her senior.

Aaanywaay… Will the goons at Paramount Skydance, the mega-media empire helmed by MAGA superfans Larry and David Ellison, throw their anti-antitrust-busting enabler a bone and kick Kimmel to the curb? Time and millions of canceled ESPN/Hulu/Disney+ subscriptions will soon tell!

Take Action: Demand Congress pay for healthcare, not war!

MAGA stooge Lindsey Graham reveals major plot twist for Trump’s ballroom
Donald’s $200 million pet renovation project that ballooned to $300 million before swelling to $400 million AND was to be paid for entirely by private donors will soon appear on the American taxpayers’ ticket, if Senate Republicans get their way.

Perpetually hot and bothered MAGA cheerleader Lindsey Graham is putting legislation on the table to publicly fund and fast-track construction of the wannabe dictator’s ridiculous ballroom, stating, “I’d like the vote as soon as possible to accelerate what America needs: a secure facility for the president and others to meet in, to have a good time, to enjoy themselves without putting the nation at risk.”

Yes, clearly, this is what the American people need. Not affordable groceries, healthcare, gasoline, or housing. But a garish, gold-plated, 90,000-square-foot party space that 99.9% of the public will never step foot inside, because, according to Graham, “the need is real.”

What happened to all those private donations, you ask? Great question!

Take Action: Don’t let Trump bring back the draft!

Meet the Democrats who are going to reclaim our congressional majority!
Red to Blue: There are 12 Democrats running to flip vulnerable red seats in the House, and their must-win races are the key to us retaking Congress and making Mike Johnson’s majority nothing but a bad memory. All of these Democratic candidates are locked in close races in Republican-held districts, and every dollar might make the difference in helping the Democrats regain control of the House. The Democrats in these races are united by their desire to fight for hardworking families in their districts — not the billionaires bankrolling Republicans’ corrupt and divisive machine. Will you chip in a donation to be split among ALL these candidates to help kick the GOP out of the House?

MAGA defectors convinced correspondents’ dinner shooting was staged
Folks, we are living in the upside down. Right-wing commentators and conspiracy theorists who once counted themselves among Trump’s biggest supporters are now expressing doubts about the legitimacy of the attempted assassination at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday. This growing doubt comes just over a week after Wired reported that a notable section of Trump’s base, including Tucker Carlson, believe the 2024 assassination attempt on Trump in Butler, Pennsylvania, was fake as well. Trouble on the red-pilled set, people!

Pete Hegseth took Kid Rock on an Army helicopter joyride at taxpayers’ expense
Pulpit Fiction enthusiast Pete Hegseth gave sentient Busch Light beer can Kid Rock an all-expenses-paid-by-taxpayers joyride on an AH-64 Apache helicopter yesterday in Northern Virginia, in the middle of a war, just days after yet another failed assassination attempt on the president of the United States.

Now, before anyone gets too upset, it’s important to keep in mind what an undisputed icon Rock is and remember his many, incredible contributions to the great American songbook. What, with lyrics like “Young ladies, young ladies, I like ’em underage / Some say that’s statutory (But I say it’s mandatory),” how could you NOT let the guy cosplay as a real-life GI Joe on the public’s dime for a few hours?

Take Action: Tell Congress: End Pete Hegseth’s murder spree on the high seas!

RFK Jr. facing calls to be “fired immediately” over rising measles cases across the US
There are legitimately dozens of compelling reasons RFK Jr. should be fired immediately and banished from DC evermore, but overseeing and enabling the worst measles outbreak since the disease was declared eradicated in 2000 is damn near the top of that very long list.

White House mocks Dem lawmaker’s physical appearance, days after calls to tone down rhetoric
We know this is hard to believe, but the very MAGA brain trust that’s dubbed Democrats “evil,” “the enemy within,” and “the party of Satan” isn’t particularly serious about “toning down” the heated rhetoric.

Trump judge says some women are just a “warm, wet hole”
Congratulations to Melissa Isaak — a “divorce attorney for men” with zero immigration law experience — on her recent hiring by the Justice Department, where she will apparently adjudicate the fates of desperate women fleeing domestic abuse and seeking asylum in the United States. For those interested in reading things they can never unsee, Isaak once spoke at pickup artist Anthony Dream Johnson’s “Make Women Great Again” manosphere convention, where she told the audience that some women are just a “warm, wet hole.”

Someone please tell us more about the Trump regime’s valiant war on DEI hires.

Right-wing think tank Cato Institute publishes study showing immigrants pay *more* in taxes than the average person
Well, well, well. What do you know? It turns out all the nonsense Donald Trump and his fellow MAGA racists have spewed about immigrants being moochers is false, according to the dreadlocked hippies over at the libertarian Cato Institute.

“From 1994 to 2023, immigrants generated roughly $100,000 more in taxes per capita than the average US-born person — about 17 percent more over the entire period. In 2023 alone, immigrants paid $1.3 trillion in taxes while receiving $761 billion in benefits — a net fiscal surplus of over half a trillion dollars in a single year. Immigrants generated more per capita than the US-born for every type of government revenue except federal and state nontax revenues and supplemental medical insurance payments, which are tied to participation in Medicare, which immigrants use at a much lower rate,” reads the report.

Too bad none of this will move the needle in post-truth Trumpworld, where the only thing that matters is the slurred word of Kaiser Trump of the Bürger Reich. The entire MAGA movement is predicated on demonizing and terrorizing people who are actually contributing more to our society every year than Donald has in his entire, misbegotten life.

DOJ files deranged motion in White House ballroom case obviously written by Trump
Uh, so…he’s writing legal motions now and making the Department of Justice file them in court. Pass the ketchup! Looks like somebody’s digging into another big bowl of dictatortots!